Dear friends take time to laugh be happy . Let life not bring you down . "When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you.". Don't look back the past is behind you , smile today now , this minute , this second , i dare you
Some tools to get you started - enjoy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we
had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you too!!"
Subject: Maths
> A little boy was doing his maths homework.
> He said to himself,
> "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.
> Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
the Son Of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Guys this is true it will make your day
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4... Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write '
For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the FRONT Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plotas a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used thegift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started....
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we werein bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beerwould make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.....
. ********************************************************************* I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took myorder first.. I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************ My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flippingthe channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink ashe sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her , 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those manyyears ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.''My God!' I said, 'who would think aperson could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,'I AM NOT HAPPY!'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...
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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wifekept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.But, somehow I always had something else to take care offirst, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. WhenI arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.I watched silently for a short time and then went into thehouse. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handedher a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
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